There is no doubt that I loved my Mother. Always & forever. I thought today would be harder. Maybe because we were estranged at the time of her death. She was so darn stubborn sometimes! Recovery gave me a way of dealing with the hurt & silence. When relationships turn toxic, sometimes the best remedy is to take a step back & come back another time. I got to a point in my life where the walking-on-eggshell thing just wore me out. It was hard. She was my mom. I never stopped loving her. Sometimes it was just easier from a distance.

She reached out this past Christmas Day. A simple phone call from Dad. But, she was in the background telling him to say this or that. She was trying. When she saw me in her hospital room there was such a sigh of relief in her eyes! I truly think because it had been 2 days since the stroke she thought I wasn’t coming. If it didn’t take all day to fly there I would have been there a day earlier. I believe she died once she knew we had rallied around her & Dad. We had all come back together. Our differences set aside. For Mom.

I am who I am because of my mother. Or in spite of her! Just as in recovery, you take what you can use and leave the rest. I still have some “what ifs” in my mind, but I have to remind myself that I cannot go back. Only forward. To being the best mom I can be to Amanda. And Heather & Colette. And the best G’ma I can be to Kate (16 this month), Marissa, Michael, Cassandra, Stephen & Matthew.

Our last time all together was for Amanda’s high school graduation in May, 2005. Too long.

OK, so now I’m teary eyed. *sigh*